♪ Here we are
♪ such good friends
♪ reunited once again
♪ been through good times
♪ through the bad
♪ you've been family I've never had ♪
♪ Could we be friends and lovers? ♪
♪ You know me like no other ♪
♪ Would we ruin it all with a kiss? ♪
♪ We have stuck through
♪ thick and thin
♪ ooh, with eyes of love you look within ♪
♪ Still remain here
♪ by my side
♪ but now feelings stir I cannot hide ♪
♪ Could we be friends and lovers? ♪
♪ Who knows, we might discover ♪
♪ A much deeper love than this ♪
♪ Find the thing we've always missed... ♪
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Can you show me your most handsome scotch pines, please?
Sure. right there next to the Douglas fir.
Ah, thank you.
Mm!
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
[Sniffs] mm! mm mm mm!
What are you doing, Ian?
I've decided we're not gonna have
a long-needle, short-needle thing again this year.
It's gonna be long needle.
Mm!
We have it every year.
Well, it's at my house. My choice.
Next year, your house, your choice.
Ok. one vote for long needle.
Ok. the one vote that counts.
That's the thing about living in a democracy.
Republic.
Yeah, it always comes down to one thing
and one vote, and you always lose.
Hey, this is a good one.
That's right. Now put it back.
Supposed to try it with the breadcrumbs.
No, it's the creamy soup that makes it...
Hello!
Hello. merry Christmas.
Promise me one thing?
[Together] maybe. maybe.
That we will still be friends
no matter what tree we pick.
Children... merry Christmas.
Oh, god, look at this one.
This is great. This is perfect. This is the one.
All: we hate long needles!
Just don't like them.
Stop.
Just stop. It's an ugly tree.
Ho ho ho!
Look at this.
Nice uni.
I'm a ho.
You're rotten, Jon.
Check this out.
I wish it was Christmas all year long.
Tell you, the Santa claus uni
is the ultimate magnet.
Forget about that whole thing
with the sheeps in wolf clothing.
Did you get a number, Jon?
I would've got her number, but the husband came back.
Oh, those pesky husbands.
Exactly. heh heh heh!
Santa, Santa! Did you get my letter?
Well, of course I did, angel.
Now... where's your mommy?
Jon: yecch.
Ok, thank you very much, honey. That's good.
Didn't you get it? I sent it to the north pole.
Well, you know, Santa's been very, very busy.
Very good. Now go on and scram out of here. Go on.
No, no, no, no!
All right, now listen, kid.
I ain't Santa claus, and there is no Santa claus,
so you want something, you go ask your mom.
Now scram.
You're unbelievable.
You are so mean-spirited!
♪ Want to spend some time ♪
♪ In another universe
♪ leaving things behind ♪
♪ Far away from sister moon... ♪
[All laughing and chattering]
No, no, no! That corner's all wrong.
We always put it in there.
Man: you're really good with children, Jon.
Ian: right there. Right over there.
Woman: don't hurt the tree.
Man: just stick it in the hole. You know how to do that.
Ha ha.
Know what? I think this is gonna be our best tree ever.
What do you got to eat?
Look in the fridge.
[Telephone rings]
I'll get it. No, no! Let the machine get it.
I'll get it!
Who are you avoiding? We're all here.
I'm not avoiding anyone. Could be the office.
I don't want them to get ahold of me till we get the tree trimmed.
Ian on machine: Hi. It's Ian. I'm not in.
If you don't leave a message, I can't call you back. [Machine beeps]
Man on machine: Ian, this is your father.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I need to know
whether you and your friends are coming skiing.
There's something that I...
That I have to say,
and I would feel more comfortable
telling you in person, if that's all right.
So, I look forward to your call.
[Machine beeps]
You really want to go?
What part of free skiing didn't you understand?
Wait a minute. I thought you and your father weren't speaking.
We speak. A little.
What? he just calls you out of the blue?
Look, he calls every 6 months.
It's no big deal. Let's get that tree trimmed.
I'll start dinner!
So, then, Ian, if you do see your dad
or you don't see your dad, it's no biggie?
Yeah. that's what I'm saying.
Great. when are we leaving?
Man: Jon.
Well, I mean, isn't this an opportunity
for, you know, your dad and you
to kind of kiss and make up?
You guys are taking this thing way too seriously.
No, no, no. I'm with Lisa.
I mean, he did call, right?
So he made a call. Whoopee.
My birthday was 2 months ago. Did he call then?
Send a letter? Anything?
No.
And which I'm cool with, right.
I worked my way through college waiting tables.
Did he show up for my graduation?
Man: no.
But he offered you the money.
You wouldn't take it.
Free skiing!
Come on, Ian. He's your father.
Hey, guys, I have a great life.
I started my own business.
We started our own business.
Sorry. we started our own business.
Besides, I have you guys.
Look...
[Whispering] ...very much.
I don't ski. I don't like the cold.
I don't like fathers in general, mine in particular.
Well, at least all of you know...
All: who your father is.
[Laughing] fuck all of you.
However, I think we should go.
Come on. You can't seriously be thinking of doing this.
Free skiing!
Jon!
What?
It ain't gonna happen, all right?
You know, I think you're taking this really, really well.
Yeah. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.
All I have to do is go up there,
let him talk at me a little bit,
take my lumps, we get the run of the place, right?
We're golden. Free skiing maybe all winter, huh?
Nothing but the best for my good buddy.
Hey, jonny!
I'll put any amount on this one, fellas.
Ian: ah.
Ugly.
I don't know, Jon. She seems way out of your league.
Yeah, she almost seems, you know,
too pretty to imagine the act, so...
Hell, I wouldn't be able to get a chubby,
let alone maintain it.
Liar. all bets are on.
So, let me take your bag.
No, no, no, I'm cool. I got it.
Um, Ian. You're coming, right?
I mean, you're not gonna pull one of your...
No, I just need to know I got a way to go,
I gotta go. You know?
Right on.
Take care.
You are so...
Mmh!
Jon. [chuckles]
Uh, Jon.
I'm sorry. Can I get a hug?
Ok.
Great.
Unh!
Ow! the hair!
Ok. well, mind your manners.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
Now, hold on.
What?
Well, you didn't get a lover
when I said I'm come along.
You got a model.
I see.
Are you really a photographer?
Are you kidding me?
Ok.
I'm absolutely a photographer.
Mm-hmm.
There she is. Right on time.
Oh, my god.
Hey, big brother!
Little sister!
Big sister.
You look very, uh...
Pregnant. yeah.
Oh, man, do you think?
God, I thought I was just getting fat
and had a mean case of indigestion.
Heh heh heh!
I told you there was something
I wanted to talk to you about.
No shit.
Greetings from home.
I'll bet.
Well, I'm not really a model.
I can't ski. I don't know any of your friends.
I mean, what am I doing here?
This is gonna be great. You'll see.
Come on. This is gonna be great.
Baby.
Keaton, jeez.
Dad took this better than you.
All right, explain that again.
What, that I.U.D.S aren't 100% reliable?
No, the part about not telling the father he's the father.
Well, you seem to have heard me.
I heard her.
What you're doing is totally unfair.
No, it's not.
She told him.
I asked him if he wanted to have a child with me,
and he said no.
That's not the same thing
as telling him you're gonna have his child.
It's not his child. It's their child.
Hey, I don't need some guy to tell me
to go get an abortion.
So you're happy about the baby?
Ecstatic.
That's great.
[German accent] Shit!
4,000 deutsche marks, and I'm stranded!
[Screaming in German]
Hey, fella!
Ja?
Which way is timber Ridge road?
It's that way... oh!
Bitte, mein auto is totaled, is dead,
and I'm stranded,
so please give me a ride into town.
I'll show you the way. Please?
Yeah, sure. Come on, get in.
Danke.
[Shouting in German]
Oh, how serendipitous.
I need ride, and you need directions.
My name is hans.
Hello, hans. I'm Jon. This is Carla.
Hello, Jon. Helllooo, Carla.
Oh, timber Ridge road is just up here a little ways,
a little bit
around the bend and so forth.
[Speaking German]
I'm from Bavaria.
Where from in Deutschland do you hail, sweet?
From stuttgart.
Stuttgart. so marvelous!
Which way am I going, please?
You just right, left. I'll show you how to get there, sweetie.
Thanks for the ride. I was so stranded.
So, my car is so much troubles lately, a little...
Why don't you sit back a little there, hans, and relax.
Ok, pal? Thanks.
Be nice. How much fun can you have
when your car breaks down?
Don't worry. I'm sure it's only minor.
Oh, my god. She has got the most beautiful hands.
Which is interesting because my name is also strangely hans.
I learned from my grandmother
back in schwarzwald... In baden-baden.
How to read palms a long time ago.
It's just a little skill that I still possess.
Really? yes.
Can you read mine?
Yes, I'd be happy to.
Do you want to know the present or the future?
The future.
Very well. This here is your lifeline.
Look down here. See how this arcs around like this?
This is your lifeline. You have good, long,
long, long life.
Strong stock.
But I see here on the loveline there's a break,
which means many things.
What you think might happen is not going to happen,
and perhaps something else will happen.
You know, I thought for sure
you'd have, like, a bonehead bavarian
in your immediate future.
Jon, behave. Come on.
I also see here finally...
Oh! funf kinder! 5 little children.
Not with you, hans. Now sit back and relax.
Jon! what?
He's from Europe.
I mean, you can't expect him to act like a normal American.
You're not really going for this bullshit are you?
What?
You know what? Forget it.
Just let's forget it. I'm gonna pull over.
I'd like you to get out. Ok there, hans?
I do something wrong?
I want you out of my fucking car, ok, bavarian?
Have you gone nuts?
This is unbelievable.
You want this guy coming on to you? Is that it?
He's not coming on to me. Are you?
Jon, I wasn't coming on to her in the slightest, Jon.
Sit back, buddy!
You're crazy.
I'm crazy? You're crazy.
What, do you think this wacko is cute or something?
Yeah, he's cute.
Ooh!
Cute, my ass!
Hans: Jon, did I do something wrong to Jon?
Get out.
Right, thanks.
Kiss mein arschloch!
Ha ha! She likes me better.
He can't handle it.
Hans read her hands.
Now she wants me in her pants.
♪ Swim the deepest ocean
♪ just to see you smile
♪ scale the highest mountain, touch the sky ♪
♪ For you I cross a desert
♪ walk for miles and miles
♪ just to wipe a tear from your eye ♪
♪ Baby, I'd do anything for you... ♪
You know, keat? Hmm?
I've been thinking. Maybe, you could fix me up with Ian.
Oh, score.
That's not funny.
I'm not joking. I've seen the way he looks at me.
He looks at everyone that way.
Does not. He does too.
Does not. Hello!
Look! that's lan's father.
How you doing, Mr. wickham?
Hi. Keaton.
Oh, yes. Keaton. Ian's told me about you.
Now, Richard, ok? Call me Richard.
No Ian?
He's driving himself.
All right.
This is Lisa,
and this is my sister Jane.
She's pregnant.
Great.
I have heard so much about you.
Oh, thank you. I'm so glad you could come.
My... oh, you... you are pregnant!
Let's get you inside and comfortable, all right?
There's a beautiful fireplace.
Oh, yummy.
He doesn't seem so horrible to me.
Everybody's parents are great except your own.
Richard: for you.
Hi, guys!
All: hey!
Hi, there. I'm Jon.
Welcome. I'm Richard, and merry Christmas.
Thank you, Richard. Merry Christmas to you, too.
And you are?
Carla. nice to meet you.
This is my new friend Carla.
Hi, Carla.
Can I interest you in a glass of wine.
Real cork or a plastic cap?
It's mouton rothschild '75.
1975? wow. Where'd you get that?
Oh, didn't Ian tell you?
Well, I'm in the business.
All right, a toast. This'll be on me.
To friends and family.
All: hear, hear.
Or anything resembling.
Keaton!
What? be careful.
That's very sensitive equipment. Please!
Jon, I don't even know why you're bringing all this crap, anyway.
We didn't even take a group photo last year.
Well, we're going to take one this year.
And something else.
You're gonna want to get in on this thing about Carla.
I'm telling you, I have a sixth sense about these matters.
She's at least an inch and a half, maybe 2.
I promise you, the woman needs a nipple-ectomy.
God!
What?
I've got an aerobics instructor inside there.
Ooh.
Yeah.
You're so brave.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, having a child, I would not know where to start.
Oh, starting, that's the easy part.
You just gotta lie there for about 60 seconds,
and then you're well on your way.
I see.
Could I ask you something embarrassing?
The answer is yes.
Hemorrhoids and flatulence
will become your friends during pregnancy.
Ok, well...
Well, I don't understand. I mean, why...
Why am I such a magnet for losers?
Well, there's no shortage of losers in the world.
Ohh.
Do you think Jon is a loser?
No, I'm afraid I'm not much of a cook.
My wife took care of most of that.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about her passing.
Oh. this house was her pride and joy.
And Ian, oh, he always loved this place.
Right, right.
Hello.
Baby, come here.
What?
[Jane whispering]
[Lisa and Jane laugh]
Um, Jon?
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
What did he hit you with, the modeling line?
[All giggle]
Ohh!
Oh, baby.
I guess I fell for it. Ok.
I mean, how do you tell the difference
between the good and the bad ones?
Ok, well, I just make a list...
You know, 2 columns, pros and cons.
Really? mm-hmm.
I just feel their heads, and if they're not pointed,
I figured I'm on the right track. Cheese?
Yeah, pass me a log, baby.
Little loggy.
Mm!
I've got it. I've got it.
You loosen this first...
Jon, I got it. I'm loosening it.
Lisa: right there.
Loosen there... stop it. Please get off!
Oh, you got a huge point here.
Get off. Stop.
I have a point because when I was a kid
I fell down and bumped my head.
Really, you did?
Stop it. That's crooked.
It's not your dick, Keaton. It can't be crooked.
Stop!
Stop! stop!
[Laughing]
Stop it! Stop!
Please stop, stop, stop! Stop.
[Doorbell rings]
And that will be...
Richard: ahh.
Ian!
Uh, merry Christmas. I'm David.
Merry Christmas. Welcome.
Is Ian with you?
He's not here?
Come on in. I'm Richard.
Hi.
Keaton: sassy Dave is here.
Lisa: oh, ducky!
Jon: uh, this is Carla.
Hi. David. Nice to meet you.
Jane: hey, baby.
Hey! oh, my god!
Baby is right.
Did you bring the father?
Oh, no. Turkey baster.
Keaton, why didn't you tell me?
I don't want to talk about it, David.
Jane: oh, Jesus.
So, uh, where's Ian?
Jon: he's a slow driver.
Yeah! if I know Ian,
he hasn't even left yet.
I'll call him.
[Video game beeping]
[Telephone rings]
Ian here.
Oh, hi... ahem. Hi, dad. How you doing?
[Whispering] what do we do if Ian doesn't show?
Pretend like nothing happened,
at least until we get in one day of skiing.
Women: Jon!
Try not to speak.
[Hangs up]
Well, he said
he must've lost track of time,
and he's going to jump in the car
and drive right over.
Jane: great. Good.
Perfect.
Look, I really don't think he's gonna come at this point.
We're sorry, Mr. wickham.
It's all right, but I just want you to know
that, uh, if you want to stay,
you're more than welcome.
All right? Really, enjoy yourselves.
He's coming, Richard. I mean, you heard him.
Well, thank you, but I don't think so.
God.
Jon: I don't know about you guys,
but tomorrow, I am skiing all day.
I don't know. I think we should go home.
No! come on.
I know. Let's take the picture.
Everybody on the couch. Come on, let's go.
Hi. I thought we'd have something sweet
and then just turn in so we can get up early.
Sounds good. Good.
Can you read that? I don't have my glasses.
How much time does that take?
It says about...
30 minutes.
Perfect. all right.
You ready for us?
For what?
Well, every year, we do a Christmas photo of the group,
and we'd love for you to join us.
Heh! all right.
All right. Ok.
30 minutes.
Carla, if you can just sit up
a little bit for me, please.
Uncross your legs.
Chin down, 3/4 profile.
Right. ok, now just sit up more and arch your back.
A little bit more. Harder.
Jon! Jon!
Sorry. just gonna set the timer.
And... here we go.
And I'm coming in here.
Let me just... i need to just squeeze in right here.
Hold still. Put your arm around my neck.
All right, wait! You'll blow the picture.
Hold still, and...
Everybody say, "we love you!"
We love you!
[Explosion]
[All screaming]
Don't push me! Don't push!
Oh, my god!
That was so weird. I don't know!
Wait, wait.
I might know.
Go check!
He shouldn't go in like that.
He shouldn't go in there alone.
I thought it was you.
It sounded like a bomb.
I hope it wasn't me. I'm not ready.
Are you sure you want to do this?
It could be gas.
No, I don't think it's gas.
No, I have this sinking feeling.
No, the fuse box is here somewhere.
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Here's the fuse box.
Oh, thank you.
There we are.
Huh.
I don't think we're gonna be having
any Christmas pudding.
All right, look, um...
I will clean this up tomorrow morning, all right?
Well, obviously...
What the hell was it?
The microwave blew.
No.
You kidding?
I'm freezing. What's in there?
Oh, my god, the Christmas pudding!
That can...
Go, go! It's freezing!
He put the whole can in there?
I hope he doesn't have any pets.
Oh, my god!
[Laughs] whoa!
This could have taken someone's eye out.
Jon: you know what, though?
It's not bad.
Ok, let's clean this up.
Richard said he'd clean it up in the morning.
Lisa: we can't leave it like this.
That's what the man wants. We're his guests.
If you don't want to do what he wants,
knock yourselves out.
Oh, men are ridiculous.
Totally.
Ok, boys with the boys in the first room.
Girls with the girls in the second.
That's what the man wants, that's what the man gets.
This really sucks.
It'll be just like camp.
David...
You're not getting any, and that's final.
Jon.
Yes?
[Chuckles]
Richard: no, he told his friends
that he was going to drive up when they drove up.
I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.
Because, sweetheart,
if you're willing to walk away
from your own child without putting up a fight
or at least trying to fix things,
honey, what does that say about our chances
come some cloudy day?
Why don't you just come up anyway?
Really.
[Laughing]
So what's the group you've got going?
What, the boys and me?
Chez George, if you can believe it.
Hmm. on main?
Mm-hmm.
10 years ago, we all worked there.
It was our first jobs.
Really?
After that, we just sort of stuck.
Jane: oh, shit.
Are you ok doing this?
I'm pregnant, not paralyzed.
[Passes wind]
Jesus!
[Laughs]
I... I'm sorry.
[Jane laughing]
Mmm.
Jon: I mean, what is the big deal
if I stay in the same bed with Carla?
You think Richard's really gonna get that freaked out?
Take her to a motel.
I can't take her to a motel.
It'll ruin the whole...
Mood?
Exactly.
Well, then, you're stuck here with us, Jon.
Jon: fine.
I just don't want anyone calling me a liar.
Oh, no, here we go on this peculiar notion of yours
about the size of a woman's...
Luscious lips.
And based on the correspondence to the...
Jon: length of the nipple.
Gentlemen, my advanced research proves
beyond the shadow of a doubt
that the lips are a definitive indicator of the...
Both: erective nipples.
We know. Jon: Exactly.
Fellas, take a good look at those lips.
You're sick.
I mean, we're talking about at least an inch,
probably an inch and a half. I'm willing to bet 2 inches.
Now...
Who would like to put their money
where their mouths wish they were?
Well, maybe just you, Keaton.
Ok, ha ha.
Well, tell me this, Jon.
What exactly is the scientific formula
for extrapolating the length
of an erect nipple from the, uh...
Surface area
and girth of the lips.
David, it's so simple.
"L" equals "en" squared.
Lips equals erect nipples squared.
[Both laughing]
David: thanks, professor.
Fine, go ahead.
Laugh, laugh.
Would you like me to get...
Photographic proof?
I mean, do you actually think that I would, like,
retouch these luscious gifts from god?
Yes, I do.
Ok.
[Snaps fingers] I got it.
The jacuzzi.
So I make a list of everything
I think I want from a guy,
you know, in a relationship,
and then I just make a list of all the guys I know,
and then I'll see if anything matches.
And then what?
Then I take 'em home and fuck 'em.
[Laughs]
Nice.
Yeah, and that works. It actually works, right?
You find somebody very good that way.
Well, hey, I found an impregnator.
Yeah, but not a husband.
No.
Oh.
Well, I know what I want.
I just need to know what they're really like.
Lisa: what, the boys?
Well, they're pretty true to form.
I mean, what you see is what you get.
No, I mean in bed.
Oh.
Well, now this is getting interesting.
What? what...
Don't look at me.
I've never slept with them.
Jane: please, do we buy this?
Come on. I mean, you know a bunch of guys for 10 years,
and you don't do it with them?
No, I didn't.
Oh, please, that doesn't sound very natural,
does it?
No. no.
You're not a lesbo, are you?
No! Jesus!
There's nothing wrong with it.
No!
Well, the only thing I know is that my brother, Keaton,
he's supposed to, um...
Have a long penis.
I mean, a really, really long penis.
Really?
Ok, now wait.
Now, remember,
a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Arooo.
So is the bellybutton like one of those
little Turkey popper things?
Like, when it's done, it "poop"!
Ha ha ha.
It's almost done!
Hey.
Listen, you guys don't want to take a jacuzzi, do you?
Carla: sure. Yeah.
Well, it's not gonna be ready for a half-hour.
I mean, you guys still have to clean up, right?
We're done now.
Yeah.
We just have to get changed.
Ok, I'll, uh... Tell 'em you're coming.
He's so cute.
I think he's a virgin.
No. are you kidding?
No.
Well, let's get him to lose the antlers,
and maybe we can find him someone.
[Laughs]
Ok, I will go to the jacuzzi,
remove the thermometer.
I will look at it. Then I will say,
"ok, the jacuzzi is ready."
Then you will say, "ok, everybody strip."
And you think that's gonna work?
I know it's going to work!
Just be sure that Carla is in the precise position.
They're coming!
What?! uhh!
Oh, shit!
[Laughs] are you all right?
It's only 65 degrees.
They don't have to get in the jacuzzi.
They just have to get naked.
Hi, guys. Hey.
How's the water?
Water's good. Water's good.
Really? sure.
Are you wearing a bathing suit, Jon?
You don't have to wear a bathing suit in the jacuzzi.
Why not?
Well, because you're supposed to go...
Au naturel.
Jane: yeah, well, you can count me out.
I can't go in. I'll just dip my toes.
Carla: so...
Everybody's getting naked?
Yup.
Ok.
Come here. Come here.
[Whispering] I didn't agree to this.
Ok, but, uh...
You guys go first.
No offense. Yeah.
Strip.
Ok. no problem.
Strip.
Get ready.
Oh, my god! Holy shit!
Lisa: it's fucking gargantuan!
I told you. [Lisa screams]
It's huge! Aah!
Jon: damn it!
[Door closes] Keaton!
What?
You scared 'em away!
It was your idea, Jon.
[All laughing]
Lisa: I was never so frightened in my entire life.
That would give any women second thoughts, huh?
Jesus!
What would you even do with that?
Don't ask me. I'm his sister.
Oh, are you ok?
No, it's just the baby kicked.
Can I feel?
Yeah, sure. Here. Come here.
Jane: ah, you feel that?
Carla: no. Here.
Wait.
God, I can't hear it, either.
Her. It's a she.
Oh, you had an amnio?
No.
There's no wienie on the ultrasound.
Oh, all right!
Carla: yeah, and with those penises in your family,
you'd definitely see it.
You'd probably just give birth to one large penis.
There wouldn't be much room in there for anything else.
Lisa: definitely. It would be the whole baby.
Just a penis.
Oh, yeah! [Laughs]
Do not fear, gentlemen.
Victory is not lost.
Oh, will you quit?
What we need is a really good plan "b."
Fuck plan "b."
Ok, odd man gets the cot.
Even man bunks up.
There's one for you.
One for you. On 3.
1, 2, 3, flip.
Heads. heads.
Tails! ha ha!
Shit.
You should know, Jon, that I like to sleep...
Au naturel.
[David laughs]
Jon: jerk.
[Sighs]
Can't believe my sister's pregnant.
Oh, uncle Keaton.
You know, Keaton, I've been wondering,
if I have sex with a pregnant woman,
is that child abuse?
That depends on the size of your penis, Jon.
You should be all right.
Hmm, exactly.
Mm-hmm.
[Sniffs]
You know, Jane...
Mm-hmm?
I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Shoot.
When you're...
You know...
Pregnant?
Right.
Can you still...
You know?
Have sex?
Exactly.
Well, you can, but, um...
I prefer to just give a really good blow job.
Night.
[Door creaking]
[Whispering] Carla.
What?
Are you sleeping?
[Chuckles] do I sound asleep?
I need a place to sleep.
You have a place to sleep.
What? uhh!
Carla!
Jon, blow this.
Stop it!
Attack!
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Ian?
[Knocks on door]
Ian?
[Knocks]
Ian?
Ian...
I'm so glad you made it.
[Drowsy] huh? I'm sleeping.
We'll talk in the morning.
Ok.
Ian...
I just want you to know how delighted I am
that you've come.
Ok, look, I... I have something to say to you,
and if you will just let me say it without interrupting,
I think I can get through it.
I realized when I didn't hear from you
after your mother died...
Well, I tried to think back
to when it was that we last talked,
and I realized that we...
Well, that your mother always talked for us,
and that we...
We never really talked.
I realize I was working,
but, see, when you own your own business, you...
You get caught up in the day-to-day operations,
and you just... you start putting other things second.
See, my generation thought that working
was the best way to take care of our families.
I've thought about that.
Then I look at that photograph of you
that I always keep on my desk, and...
It's 20 years old, and I just...
I just... I don't know,
how did I not notice the time slip by?
So what I would like to do if I can
is I would like to try to make it up to you somehow,
or... or we can just start again.
'Cause you're my son, and I'm your father.
I mean, if... if... If you want to.
So that's what I wanted to tell you...
That I love you.
Oh, my son. My beautiful son.
What... Jon! whoa!
Why did you let me go on and on like that?
I just... and just make a fool out of myself?
Mr. wickham, please,
you didn't make a fool out of yourself.
Look, I'm sorry...
But that's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard anyone ever say.
Oh, Jon. Please, just...
Jon: Mr. wickham?
Look, I'm very sorry,
but when Ian didn't show up,
I didn't think that anybody would mind if I...
If I slept there.
Well, it's time to get up anyway, isn't it?
You'll want to get an early start back.
[Sighs]
Ian? oh ho ho!
Oh, great, here you are on the goddamn couch!
Ah!
What the hell was I thinking?
Ian, buddy!
Let me tell you, your dad is great!
I'm leaving.
Ian?
Keaton: Jon, where's he going?
Oh, he's leaving.
David: oh, no, he's not!
Oh, shit! He's leaving!
Ian!
Ian, come back here!
Hey! breakfast!
Everybody up!
I broke the pan. I'm cooking something else.
Richard: come on! Everybody up!
Oh, shit. He's cooking again.
Ian, where are you going?
Oh, a little place called "not here."
Ian?
What?!
Would you please ask this woman
to stop harassing me?
Ok, I know my way around a kitchen.
No, no, just...
And clean up and have some breakfast
before you take off for the slopes, all right?
Ok, look, I know...
Fuck!
Come on.
You'll thank us later.
Where... where are you, dad?!
Richard: in the kitchen.
Well, look at you. [Chuckles]
You've never been more beautiful.
You're a prince among men.
Richard: Ian!
Just let me... please.
We have to talk. This passive-aggressive shit...
Ian, your father is gonna cook.
[Scoffs] like he can cook.
Excuse me, have you seen the carnage?
What? I'll buy a new one.
I don't know... what is the big deal?
Somebody could have lost an eye.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Do you want to talk? Ian...
I thought I would make you something nice for breakfast.
Breakfast.
May I?
I want to just... whatever.
Hi. hey.
You know, uh...
[Clears throat]
We don't really have time for breakfast, ok?
Yeah.
Lift lines are gonna be 3 hours long as it is,
so why don't we just go skiing?
We came to ski, and we'll, uh...
We can always talk later.
Lot to talk.
Let's get out of the kitchen, and we'll go skiing.
Ok, we'll leave that.
Oh, my god.
Hans: good morning, group.
What a very lucky and special group of people you are,
because you will be learning to ski
from hans. That is me.
What, you know him?
Sort of.
Hans: I've been skiing since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.
Now, I'm going to tell you right off the bat
that I'm going to teach you to ski
the way what I learned how to ski myself,
what is the best way in the world.
There are only 2 rules.
One is never leave the group,
and rule number 2 is do exactly what I say
at all times when I say it.
Should I ask you to skewer yourself
with your ski pole in the genitals, you must.
It could save your life later on at some point.
Should I even ask you perhaps,
no reason, out of left field,
to just take a little bite of a snowball, you must.
It could save your life.
It is you. Carla: Yup.
Ca... car...
Carla. Carla.
Carla! I'm working with Carla!
Everyone else, do not leave the group!
Do exactly what I say when I say it at all times!
I'm going to give you a private lesson.
Ok.
Do you know the expression the bigger they are,
the harder they fall?
Ja. ja.
So, ok, give up to me the tip of your pole.
Ja!
Everyone may now look.
You see Carla has fallen.
I now give her what is known as a pole-up.
Oof!
That is...
Hmm?
Mein gott.
You are the goods.
Everyone can stop relaxing!
We have one natural in the group!
The rest of you are probably not even worth mentioning,
but we will continue anyway.
♪ Watch me, 'cause I'm king of the hill ♪
♪ Set me in motion, yeah, you give me a thrill ♪
♪ When you come near me, when you come near me ♪
♪ I can't keep still
♪ till then, I can't keep still ♪
♪ No, I just can't keep still ♪
♪ Be my baby, say you will... ♪
Well, you're good, Mr. wickham, damn good.
Richard. call me Richard, ok?
Now, where's Ian?
Oh, he's coming.
Is he all right?
He's fine. He's fine.
Well, then, shall we?
Don't you guys want to wait for Ian?
Nah, let's go. The heck with Ian.
Here we go.
See you below!
Losers.
♪ Watch me coming in for the kill ♪
♪ Gotta kiss those lips, gotta have my fill ♪
♪ Make me shiver
♪ feel those chills
♪ do me till I can't keep still... ♪
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Ian? are you all right?
[Weak] I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs. I think I broke my back.
Oh, my god. Don't move.
Don't... move!
[Gasping] god. oh, god!
Oh, I see the light. I see the light.
I see the light...
Medic! medic!
How's my face? How's my face?
I've always wanted an open casket, seriously.
Oh, god! You know what?
I've had it with you and your father
and this whole shitty weekend!
[Laughs]
Hey. hi!
You look good.
Yeah, I fall down really well.
So, uh, she's gettin' a private lesson, huh?
Yeah, I fell in love with a teacher once.
Yeah, and not since?
It's been a while.
Thank you. Ugh.
Ugh.
You all right?
So, uh...
There's some truth to the rumor?
Oh, I believe everything I hear.
You're still a virgin?
Excuse me?
Lisa said you're still a virgin.
[Sighs]
Well, you know, I mean, I've...
Kissed and stuff?
[Laughter] yeah.
David.
Look... i know it's silly,
but I really wanted to wait for someone special.
I just never thought it would take this long.
[Laughing]
So, wait. You...
You have never done the dirty deed?
Well, how exactly would you define that in my case?
Technically a virgin.
Spiritually... a whore.
[Laughs] ugh.
[Sighs]
Deva. do you know what this is?
What's this word? Deva?
Hmm... a singer?
[Laughs]
No. no.
Silly. deva is a ghost what lives in the forest.
Sure.
It's... well, it's very subtle.
Only a trained eye can actually see it.
The spirit ghost.
Mm-hmm.
My lord, deva. Right there. Look there.
Follow the pole.
Follow the pole, you see?
You see the deva there?
What am I looking for?
Well, it's so subtle. It's a mist.
It is a mist, a cohesion of the energy of life.
[Sighs]
Mm-hmm.
It's... you can't see it.
I can't see it.
You can't see. It's clear.
It's so clear to me. This is because...
Well, your chakras are blocked.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, mediation, meditation, is...
It's the only cure.
The penetration of the dirty,
rotten, clouded conscious mind
into the wet, dark, vile, snapping turtle
of the subconscious. Plunging!
The plunging, plunging, plunging
over and over again,
you like this plunging?
[Giggles] I love the way you talk.
Yes, well, at last, after all,
you have to find out the meaning of life.
[Laughs]
Is it really such a terrible thing
that I wanna mend this relationship?
You're my son.
What do you want?
Isn't it obvious?
Ok, just... just say...
Say it, ok? Just lay it out there.
Ok, I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm sorry, this... This... this has...
This has been a mistake.
I... I see that now.
It's just...
I feel like I'm not a good father
when you won't even talk to me.
See, I... I want us to be able to be...
I want us to be speaking. I wanna be able to...
For heaven's sakes, pick up the phone and talk to you.
[Laughing]
Not a good father?
Well, you're... You're not a good father.
You're not really a father at all.
All right.
Thank you.
I know we have problems, Ian,
but I don't think this...
Where... where... just tell me,
where were you when it mattered?
I was working.
[Scoffs] come on, work.
What, you... you own your own business.
You can take all the time off in the world.
That's... that's... That... that's...
That's true.
Well, what was it? Is it other women?
Don't be ridiculous, Ian.
Ok. ok, not to hear it from mom.
Your mother never thought that.
I... you never loved me.
All right? You just say that.
You never loved me.
Right?
I mean, it's ok, 'cause, you know,
I've... I've accepted it, but if you'd say it,
it would make things a whole lot easier, you know?
You know, but this whole charade
of you, like, you know, wanting to be superdad
and, like, you know, uh, summing up your life
and wanting to get a some gold star fathering is a bunch of bullshit,
Ian. Ian. You know?
You know what? I'm... I'm... I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go home,
if that's all right with you.
Of course you are.
You really don't have to. I mean, I can call Jon.
Nooo.
He can come and get me.
No, don't call Jon. Jon is unnecessary.
Ok. ok?
God, I'm so stiff.
I know.
You know, from skiing. I didn't think it'd be...
Well, it's partially spiritual, partially physical,
partially... allow me.
Oh.
[Chuckles]
I'm the kind of girl you marry.
Yes. yes.
I can respect this. No, I...
Get off me now.
Wha... well... I... komplick.
Do you know what this means?
Komplick?
Yes, komplick. no.
It means... it means the person that you fall deeply,
passionately, wildly in love...
This is the first sighting.
Hmm.
Carla, this is what has happened to me,
komplick with you. I am in love with you. Komplick.
Oh, really? I swear.
Ok, well, maybe we could kiss.
Did you say komplick?
Yes, komplick.
Can you say komplick?
Yeah, certainly.
Oh! oh!
[Moaning]
[Horn honks]
♪ Here I am
♪ stuck in the middle, don't you know ♪
♪ Here I am...
Jane: now. David: Just stop.
♪ Stuck in the middle...
No!
I thought we were gonna talk.
We can talk. The two of us.
Great. you two talk.
No. you're not leaving this table
until you make up your mind.
Keaton, help me.
I am not gonna let you ruin your life.
All you have to do is look around the room and pick.
Pick what?
Anybody.
Pardon me if I chalk it up
to the hormonal psychosis of the bun in your oven.
Hey! one day, you are gonna wake up old,
and you're gonna stare in the mirror
at a wrinkled, little face,
and you're gonna realize your whole life is over,
and ya still haven't got the balls
to walk across a room and say hello.
First of all, I've got great genes,
and second of all, it's my life, right?
Pick. pick.
Keaton.
Pick.
♪ Stuck in the middle of it all... ♪
The guy at the refreshment stand.
Which guy?
The tall one with the gray jacket.
Cool.
Ooh, he's gorgeous. Now get over there.
Get over there and what?
Could he use my modus operandi on a guy
like I do on a chick?
A chick?
A woman.
Look, guys, this is ridiculous. I...
Shut up, David.
What's your m.O.?
Ask a woman something about herself.
Then I shut up and let her do the talking.
And that works? Every time.
See, the key here is to act like you're really listening.
Oh, men are pigs.
And women are?
Pig lovers.
Now get over there, ask him something,
shut up, and pretend you're listening.
You think you can handle that?
What am I gonna ask him?
Ask him if he lifts. Guys love that shit,
especially if they don't.
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Um, he has 10 friends, and they beat the shit outta me.
Uh, good point.
Thank you.
So we done with this?
No.
The maccarthys are here for you,
so get over there.
Go.
Go!
[Sighs]
I don't like the maccarthys.
♪ If that you would look my way ♪
♪ That would really make my day ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm too shy
♪ yes, I'm too shy
♪ since I saw you sitting there ♪
♪ Can't do anything but stare ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm too shy...
Excuse me.
♪ Yes, I'm too shy
♪ so I've got to get my...
He's not interested.
Yes, he is.
No, I'm not going.
Come on.
Come on, you're gonna lose him.
♪ When I'm standin' there
♪ do you, baby...
Where's he going?
He's leaving. Accept it. I have.
No, hurry.
Oh, good Christ, he's going into the men's room.
Perfect. perfect.
Go. perfect. perfect?
Wait a minute.
You want me to go into a public men's room
and say to a guy I've never met, "do you lift?"
Oh, ok. How 'bout nice jacket?
Take a peek at his package.
He'll get the idea. Yeah.
Then what, blow him in one of the stalls?
Yeah, that's a start.
I hate you.
Now what?
Wait till he finishes and, um, get him at the sinks.
You, uh, play chess?
I'm totally addicted, dude.
Yeah, me, too.
Although I don't get much of a chance to play these days.
Can't find good competition.
Oh, really? You're that good?
Oh, I decimate the computer.
Me, too.
Really?
Well, listen, uh,
some friends and I are staying at a chalet,
and they, uh, happen to have a chessboard.
Wherever, whenever, dude.
David.
Manny.
Great.
What about your friend peein'?
David: oh.
Damn it!
Nice drivin', fancy boy.
Fuck you, fella.
Ian: no, fuck you, ok?
Jon: uh-huh.
Ian: oh, great.
Ian, you're not leaving, are you?
Wait.
Jon: if there's any damage, mister...
Lisa: Jane, careful of the baby.
What is with these people? Come on!
Jon: some gratitude you got there.
Jane: I'm not getting out.
Keaton: Jane...
Wait a second!
British matchbox compared to my German technology.
Keaton: what did you do now, Jon?
I'll drop you off whenever you want.
All right, suit yourself.
You just don't get it, do you, Ian?
Well, maybe no one's explaining it right.
It doesn't matter how anyone explains it.
His coming here is still a loving act.
Why don't you get that?
You don't know my father.
I don't know your dad,
but I do know that fathering a child is one thing
and being a father, that's another.
He's reaching out to you.
You don't know how lucky you are.
[Scoffs] lucky?
[Scoffs] ok.
I know it seems like he cares,
but the guy was never there.
[Chuckles]
Even if he does mean it,
what difference does it make? It's too late.
Oh, well...
Hold on to that. That's good.
[Laughs]
What do you mean?
Oh, 'cause you're...
You're really teachin' him a lesson, aren't ya?
God, Ian, you're fuckin' up.
[Sighs]
My life.
My fuckup.
Yeah.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
Richard, my flight's been delayed.
Oh. oh.
Ok, well, uh, let me know what time you're coming,
and I'll come and pick you up.
No, no, no. Honey, I think I'm just gonna rent a car.
There's no telling what time I'd get in
until this damn plane takes off.
Are you ok? You sound, I don't know...
No, it's... It's nothing. I'm just...
Trying to keep up with the kids.
You told him. He took it badly.
[Sighs]
He's so angry.
He's very, very, very angry.
God, he hates the whole idea?
No, no. I... I didn't... I didn't tell him.
Richard, you had better tell him before I get there.
Please, honey, you promised.
I just don't want us to ambush him, ok?
Ok?
[Sighs]
I'll tell him when he gets back.
Ok, please.
And I love you.
[Kiss]
Jon: slowly, Keaton!
David: yep. Whoa.
Manny: great.
David: whoa.
Hey. we need to talk.
Ok.
Let's talk.
Alone? yeah.
Ok.
David: see ya later at the house!
I need to tell you something...
Something I've never told anyone.
Go on.
I had this parakeet named gertie.
What color?
Blue. why?
Just checking.
Did you really have a parakeet?
Keaton, I'm trying to trust you with something
that means a lot to me.
Do you wanna hear this or not?
I do. I do. I'm sorry.
Ok. anyway,
I had this blue parakeet...
[Laughs] named gertie,
and my dad told me that caged birds can't fly.
I mean, he said even if you leave the cage door open,
they won't fly away.
They'll just...
Just stay there in the safety of their cage.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
I loved gertie.
But you loved your father more.
What's that supposed to mean?
You opened the door.
Oh, god, Keaton, it was so awful.
And?
And what?
And you opened the door and...
And she flew out the window and down the street
and right into the windshield of a bus.
I mean, it happened, like, 2 seconds...
It was awful.
[Laughs]
[Scoffs] you laugh?
You know, my father laughed.
Oh, come on, Lisa. What did you expect?
I wanted her to go free.
No, no, no. That's...
That's what you wanted.
What'd you expect?
I expected her to stay in the cage
like a good bird,
like he told me she would.
I'll... I'll just assume that whatever it was
that you wanted to tell me out here in private
was in that story somewhere.
[Sighs]
Oh, fuck it.
Jane: thank you.
For what?
Ugh. I was so hungry.
My pleasure.
[Laughs]
I wanna thank you.
For what?
Well, for everything, really.
Whoa, wow.
Well, uh, this is... This is weird.
Ahem.
That's not right. You're my...
You're my best friend's little sister.
It's not... that's...
It's too weird. It's not right.
Mo... mo... mo... mo...
Tel?
Motel? mm-hmm.
Motel. sounds good.
Motel.
No vacancies.
You know, it's Christmas Eve.
No room at the inn.
Um... is there anyplace else around here?
I could check.
Great.
You know I've got every hotel and motel
in the whole country right here in this computer.
Right on.
Um, which way you headed?
East.
[Computer beeps]
Nothing. nothing between here and the coast.
Shit.
[Moaning]
Who's that?
[Doorbell rings]
And that will be... Ian.
Oh.
Is... is Ian with you?
It's that fuckin' guy!
Come on in. You must be freezing.
Yes, cold us.
Yes, hello.
We brought the mistletoe.
Who's next?
I can't take this anymore. I've had it.
Ok, the champagne is this way.
Oh, ho, ho, dear. Come on.
Would you like some champagne?
Oh, thank you.
Good. you're welcome.
Hans: I play piano just a little bit,
but I'm singularly inside my spirit guides,
which are coming into my body right now.
They're saying there's a song.
Uh-huh.
Let me check.
Yes, a song is here, and it's called Carla.
[Playing piano]
Hans: ♪ a boy like me...
Are you all right?
I'm beginning to think it's not the women.
That's impossible. Who if not them?
♪ My gun's for hire, my horse enjoys a ride ♪
Me.
♪ Seek my vote
♪ sleazy downtown girl
♪ this fraulein Carla's ♪
♪ Got my head in a whirl, my heart in a whirl, too ♪
♪ My universe in a whirl now ♪
♪ I know I gotta hear her in everything... ♪
[Stops playing]
Oh, thank you. That was wonderful.
Yes, but now the song's over, the libido's up,
so come on. May I steal you away?
Ok.
Grab the champagne.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks.
So... are you guys, you know...
I don't know. I haven't asked him yet.
What do you mean you haven't asked him yet?
[Chuckles]
Ask him to hang the mistletoe with you.
Hmm? the rest is automatic.
Manny, you wanna go outside
and help me hang the mistletoe?
Seein' as you're tall and everything.
Sure.
Where are you going?
I am going upstairs
to tell that evil two-timing ViXen
and her ski instructor hans boyfriend
that I got firsts.
Be careful, dude.
I got it.
Yeah, that's cool.
There.
Yep, there it is.
Are you a single gay man?
No, I'm not.
I'm sorry.
Sorry?
What, that's it?
I'm supposed to just split now?
No, I just kinda figured you'd want to.
Well, you figured wrong.
Ok.
Let's go play some chess. Come on.
You know, to tell you the truth,
I don't know what I would've done if you had said yes.
[Laughs] yeah, well, neither do I.
So I was... I caught an edge, and I fell down,
and this guy helped me, so I thought...
David: we're friends.
Is everybody all right with that?
Great! great!
So I got up, and he gave me back my poles.
I'm cold.
He kicked me.
[Laughs] she.
She.
I remember when I first fell in love with you.
I had no idea what to say.
I spent 2 hours trying to come up with an opening line
with one of my busboys tito morales.
Next thing I knew,
he was using my line on you,
and I spent the summer bussing his tables.
Does that sound familiar?
Yeah. he was cute.
[Laughs]
Ow.
Sorry. sorry.
I'm sorry. Ah, look at me.
I can't do it in a car,
and I don't want to.
This is our first time. I want it to be special.
It should be special. Yeah.
I'll make it special. It'll be special.
Oh, Ian... Ian, I'm serious.
What?
Come on.
Let's go back.
Back there? You gotta be crazy. No way.
Come on, Ian.
It's 375 hours to your house,
and your dad's place is just around the corner.
No.
It's final.
Oh, come on.
[Sighs]
Kiss?
Candy store's closed.
[Sighs]
Shit.
[Sharp exhale]
Oh, come on.
Jon, this is not a good thing.
Shh.
[Whispering] or I can't hear anything.
Jon, there's a whole big, bright, beautiful world out there
beyond the 5 inches of your penis.
[Whispering] fuck you.
[Whispering] fuck you. Fuck you.
Pssst!
Fuck me.
[Whispering] Keaton! Keaton!
Keaton, Lisa, open this door!
Jon: open this door, damn it!
Come on, guys, open up! We need to talk about this!
Jon, this is not a good time!
Oh!
[Giggles]
Jon: Keaton, Lisa, open this door.
[Knocks at door]
Jon, piss off!
You're making a terrible mistake!
Oh, god, Keaton, squeeze 'em harder.
[Screams]
[Laughs] yeah.
Yeah, ow!
[Grunts]
[Sighs]
[Deep breathing]
Can I join you guys?
Hans is teaching me how to meditate.
That's correct, Jon.
I believe the word is "penetrate," Carla.
Oh.
No, Jon, and in order for the pene...
Meditation to work,
I must... if you leave, perhaps we find god.
Come on, Carla, you're not really going for this crap.
This is the stupidest come-on I have ever seen,
and I am the king of stupid.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Yes, you can, Jon,
because you are interrupting!
Forget about him. You just relax.
Keep the eyes closed. The white light is atop.
Visualize the light come down the top of the head.
I will deal with the problem called Jon!
[Deep exhales]
I can't find the white light.
It's too dark in here.
Jon, Jon, if you please.
Everything I do with Carla is on your behalf.
I cleanse the chakras, I start with the heart,
I go to the plexus, I deal with the spleen,
I arrive at the root,
and then she is all yours.
[Sighs]
This guy is offering me sloppy seconds.
Can't believe that he's offering me sloppy seconds.
Ah, I could live with that.
Gentlemen...
We're outta here.
Where we goin'?
There's a whole big, bright, beautiful world out there
beyond the 7 inches of my penis,
and I intend to explore it.
David: really?
Really.
[Car stereo blaring]
Jon, please, just stop.
No, just one more try.
Uh, excuse me, miss? Yes?
Hi. hi.
You ever thought about doing some modeling?
[Laughs] you're kidding, right?
No, no, no. I'm very serious.
I'm a photographer, and I thought perhaps
we could get together and...
Shoot some photos.
Mm. well, my rate is $2,000 a day.
[Laughs]
You can reach me at chic.
[Whispering] ask for Sasha.
Sasha: hey, baby.
Oh, well, I tried.
Now what?
Try again.
Just not tonight.
Let's go.
Ahh, so unfortunate.
My dear, what does these people do to you all your life?
Oh, sweetheart, I want it out of you at this point.
Out of here, oh, so bad.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, it's terrible. We must clean you.
I must clean you, Carla.
I'm going to clean you, Carla.
Ok, see, all the articles of clothing are restricting the flow of the energy.
I must... yes, in fact, yeah,
there is another article also. Watch this.
[Exhales]
You must believe.
Yes, intuitively, you know this is very good.
Oh, yes, we are working together now.
This is a group effort, ja?
Oh, my god.
I believe you.
Yes, this is nothing not to believe.
Let me check. All right, now I am free.
Yes, it's obvious yeah?
All of my spirit guides have told me
that I am now free to work.
Let me check.
Yeah, I need to take a second.
All right, I have to admit
this place is pretty beautiful.
Yeah, it sure is.
I ever tell ya you have beautiful eyes?
Well, you can tell me again.
All right, you have beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
And a beautiful nose
and lips...
And teeth...
And jaw...
And ears.
Oh. ow! Not here.
Hello?
Hello? hello?
Hello?
Oh.
David: look. Ian's here.
Oh, great.
Great.
Oh, my god! Jane! Ian!
Hi. hi.
How you doing, buddy? Night, guys.
Why is this happening?
What the hell is going on around here?!
She's pregnant, for god's sakes!
Jon: Ian!
Ian!
Jon: Ian, open the door now.
Daddy.
Keaton's gonna kick your ass for this!
Good night, Jon!
Oh, come on, Ian.
You guys are in business together!
[Giggling]
Night, jonny.
[Thud]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
God, right now. Right now.
Ian? yes, darling?
[Growls]
Keaton!
Keaton, it's Jon.
You might want to come out here, buddy.
We got a lot going on.
Jon: uh, Keaton? [Knocking]
Got a little insider trading working
over in the other bedroom, buddy.
A little pork belly activity, if you know what I mean.
Think porking and a big belly!
Yes! aah!
Yes!
Ian's fucking your sister, for god's sakes!
That was the best orgasm I've ever had.
Carla?
Hans: I've sometimes been known...
Jon: Carla? [Knocking]
It's Jon. To suck the white light
right into a person's body.
Ok.
Carla!
Mmm.
I see the light.
You do? Uh-huh.
It's purple.
Well, it soon will be.
One chakra at a time.
Ok.
Ah.
Ok.
[Growls]
Ok. oh!
Yellow...
Yes.
[Growls] red...
[Growls] oh, white light!
Hans, we had a deal!
All right! That's it!
It's my turn!
Hans: goombah, hey!
[New Jersey accent] I have been workin' this hole for days.
You blow this for me, I will bust a cap in your ass,
and I will go have a quiet lunch.
Capisce?
Capisce.
Where are you from?
Jersey, baby.
[German accent] Carla, I'm soon to be coming.
♪ And then I'll tell you what you surely know ♪
♪ I love you, I love you ♪
♪ I love you
♪ I love you, I love you ♪
♪ I love you
♪ so.
How do you like the cigar?
I like it almost as much as that song.
Jon...
Let me ask you something, Richie.
What do you do when you've tried and tried and...
Tried again?
You let go.
[Begins playing]
[Smack]
Okay. oh, yes.
Come on. That's right. I'm a bad boy.
Now smack the bad boy.
Smack the bad boy.
[Moaning]
Oh! oh!
Oh!
Marry me, yes?
Consider?
Oh, hans. Oh, darling.
Ok. Carla.
Ok. ok.
We work as a couple.
We're working. This is working.
Smack my ass, even though I'm done.
Okay.
Oh, scheiße. Oh, yes!
So, um, when'd you figure out you were gay?
Probably the same time you figured out you were straight.
Thank you.
So, like, um, what do you do?
I told you. I art-direct computer games.
No, I mean, like with guys.
You mean in bed?
In or out of bed.
Well, uh...
Out of bed, I do pretty much what we're doing now.
And in bed?
Whatever comes to mind.
No, no, no. I think it's good.
I think it's good, Jon.
I think you have a real flair for languages.
Just let me hear it again.
[Guttural sounds]
It's... that's not quite it.
Ich liebe dich.
It's very soft.
You're saying, "I love you."
Say it beautifully.
Ich liebe dich.
Richard: that's closer.
Jon: ich liebe dich.
Richard: that's not too good.
It's not so guttural. Ich liebe dich.
It's very soft.
Ich liebe...
Ok, that's a German with a cleft palate, but that's ok.
No, you'll be fine. No, no. Relax. I'm kidding.
Ich liebe dich.
You think it'll work?
If anything will work, this...
You coming back?
We're going.
Ich liebe dich.
Oh!
Oh, thank you for a wonderful time.
No, thank you.
What's going on?
We're going to get married.
Yes, is it not wonderful?
Richard: all the luck in the world.
Very well. Jon, auf wiedersehen.
Good night. Gute nacht.
Thanks.
Check.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, Jon.
And mate.
Good game.
But next time, your ass is mine.
Whatever you say.
Fuck you, man. I'm not down with that.
Take me home.
Why do you have to be a homo, huh?
I can't help it!
So tell me:
I mean, what's it even like to kiss a guy?
It's been so long, I don't remember.
What's it like to kiss a girl?
You don't even know what it's like to kiss a girl?
Well, I mean...
I...
Kissing a girl is a lot softer.
Yeah, definitely softer.
Wow.
You know, what you said yesterday,
you really ought to say to Ian.
I'm planning to.
It worked on me.
Yeah.
[Door opens] What is that?
[Closes]
Cold outside.
Very cold.
Definitely. Can I get you something?
Would you like some coffee?
Uh, no, I'm gonna turn in. Night.
'Fraid that puts you on the couch.
[Sobbing outside]
Come on, honey.
[Sobbing continues]
Jane?
Are you... are you ok?
I...
I... I...
There's... it's just I...
Awful?
No.
No, I...
I... I... I feel...
No, it's just...
Lonely? no.
No. no?
No, I... I feel like...
Like I... I just feel... I feel like...
I... I feel...
So unbelievably wonderful.
What?
I just... I feel like...
Like finally...
The baby?
Yeah. uh-huh.
Ian?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And, uh...
And you.
Me? yeah.
So unbelievably sexy.
Breakfast!
Oh, my god!
What? what? What?
He's cooking again.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, man.
Whoop! oh!
Carla. heh.
Oh, whoa! Dad, you know what?
You kinda... you gotta pay a little more attention to the, uh...
To the, uh... the coffee here.
Actually, with this kind of machine,
it works pretty well with a filter.
So, uh...
There we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hot!
Whew! hot. Hot.
Uh...
Actually, you might want to start over, dad.
Those look a little too far gone.
Right.
[Coughs]
So, I'm not doing too bad, am I?
Not too bad.
I've been trying to tell you something
since you got here, if you haven't noticed...
Unsuccessfully for various reasons.
Jon is a very interesting person.
Yes, he is.
And if you don't want to listen to me,
believe me, I understand.
Well, you were right.
I missed your childhood.
I missed you growing up.
I... I just... I didn't pay attention.
But, see, now I...
I wake up in the morning,
and your mother isn't there.
And then I go to the office,
and I look at this business
that I have spent so much of my life
and so much commitment and sweat and time
just trying to build it up,
and I look at it.
It doesn't look like much.
I call you.
You don't respond.
You... you don't call me back.
I mean, I just... it's like I'm talking to a stone.
And I think, well, see, I don't understand that.
What... what have I done?
What terrible crime have I committed
that you would treat me like that?
You see, Ian...
I didn't understand.
I... I didn't.
I didn't understand till now...
How much pain I've caused you.
I'm sorry.
I just want you to know it was not your fault.
You are not to blame.
It was me.
I... I didn't solve my problems.
But I want you to know,
that I love you...
My son.
I...
No, I... I get it, dad.
It's okay.
I get it loud and clear.
[Horn honks]
Oh. yeah.
Oh, god! Ian...
Ian: who the heck is that?
Ian...
That's your secretary? Yes, it's my secretary.
What's she doing here?
Well, ok, that's something else
that I was going to tell you.
What? Katherine and I are getting married,
and we would like you to be our best man.
Katherine: Richard.
Uh...
Richard?
Hi.
I think he's stunned.
Happily, I hope.
Nice to meet you again.
Congratulations.
[Fire alarm beeps]
Oh, no, he's not cooking, is he?
It's actually on fire. Shit!
Richard: oh, my god!
Ian: be careful. Be careful. Wait! Wait! Wait!
No, just put it in the sink. Put it in the sink!
Richard: get some water. We'll douse it...
I know what I'm doing. Please!
I'm gonna... I know what I'm doing!
Oh, god!
[Laughing]
Richard, I told you not to cook.
I know. I thought I could help.
I guess that means no breakfast?
Yeah, no breakfast. Oh, god.
Ian: it's unbelievable.
Well, this sucks.
This really sucks.
Who's that guy?
Well, you might ask.
[Honks]
Jon: how's hans?
Oh, fuck off.
You ok?
Yes.
You know, if you weren't such a jerk,
we could have had a great weekend
getting to know each other, skiing, taking pictures,
but instead you treat me like air,
and you force me in the arms of that...
Maniac from... From wherever he's from.
New Jersey.
Shut up while I'm talking.
At least he recognizes
a woman has emotional and spiritual needs
beyond the purely sexual.
You understand me?
Yes.
If you want me to care about you,
it's going to take more than a Mercedes
or that worn-out line of yours about discovering supermodels.
You have to focus your attention on me
and make it about me.
You got that?
Yes.
Because I'm the kind of girl you marry.
Ich liebe dich.
♪ How could I know I'd feel this way? ♪
♪ How could I know that one fine day ♪
♪ You'd be mine?
♪ I had searched my whole life through ♪
♪ Just to find
♪ I'd been waitin'
♪ for someone like you
♪ someone like you
♪ I had some dream, some fantasy ♪
♪ Of who that someone would be ♪
♪ I've been so blind
♪ up till now I couldn't see ♪
♪ That all this time
♪ you've been standing right in front of me ♪
♪ Someone for me
♪ someone for me
♪ now every day and every night ♪
♪ I get to be with one so right ♪
♪ So good for me
♪ I can't believe that this is true ♪
♪ Now, I can see
♪ that my heart had been holdin' out for you ♪
♪ Someone like you
♪ someone like you
♪ someone like me
♪ someone like you
♪ yeah.
Why does it always have to be about sex?!